(I thank Fr. Marvin Labasan for gracing my column this Sunday with his insightful homily.)
What is a “suitable partner”?
In our culture, which idolizes the concept of “the one” and “the Mr. or Mrs. Right,” we simply equate the idea of a suitable partner with someone who shares our interests, makes us feel good, or seems perfect for us.
But what does it mean to have a “suitable partner”?
Our first reading today tells us that God found it is not good for man to be alone. Despite the beauty and richness of the garden, with its animals and plants, nobody seemed suitable for him. This is why the Lord caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and from one of his ribs, He made a woman. Fr. Lana says that Eve was not made out of Adam’s head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be his equal, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be loved. She was taken from his side, signifying equality and partnership with him, and rightly so. The woman is not simply someone who will make the man good or share the same interests with him; she is designed to be a corresponding and equal partner for the man. Hence, they will leave their family and cleave to one another and become one flesh. For the woman was originally a constituent part of man, she must return to become one with him again so that God’s image’s full expression and design in human beings can be revealed.
This principle applies not only to the first man and woman but to all marital relationships. Husbands and wives are equals and are to cleave to one another until death. To cleave means to stick together not just when conditions are favorable but also during difficult times. It is a strong term akin to gluing two pieces of paper together; any attempt to separate them will likely cause more harm. This is precisely what divorce represents: an attempt to tear apart what was once bonded under the false belief that it will lead to good. In reality, it causes permanent damage to the husband and wife, their children, and their future partner. We often think that when interest fades, and your partner no longer makes you feel good, it is time to go your separate ways. But this is not the essence of marriage, nor is it what a suitable partner is meant to be.
A suitable partner does more than share your interests or make you feel good. A suitable partner is committed to walking with you through joys and sorrows, victory or defeat, sickness or health. It is someone who believes that love is not based on fleeting emotions but is a daily choice. While all relationships need love, they do not stay alive on love alone. Instead, they are sustained by constant choosing. Choices keep any relationship alive. Choosing loyalty over disloyalty, faithfulness over deceit, sacrifice over comfort, and commitment over abandonment. These choices keep the relationship alive, even to the point of choosing to love even when you do not feel like loving. This means that the promise to remain committed to love is not only a matter of feeling but of willing – the will to love. This is the reason why, in the scrutiny of matrimony, the groom and the bride are not simply asked if they love one another or if they will remain in love forever but if they are resolved to give their selves to one another “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.” Therefore, a suitable partner is not someone who will accompany you and choose you in times of joy but also in sorrow, in times of victory, but also defeat.
Remember, God gave us a suitable partner, not a perfect one. There is no perfect relationship and no perfect family—this is no secret. Any relationship will inevitably experience moments of frustration and disappointment. We will inevitably hurt the ones we love and sometimes feel like we have fallen out of love. If you believe that you can find someone more perfect than your present partner, then you are mistaken. Just as your spouse has imperfections, so does every man or woman. If your spouse can hurt and disappoint you, so does every man or woman. Perfect love cannot be found in an imperfect relationship. It can only be found in a perfect God who “for a little while” was made “lower than the angels” so that he may call us all brothers.
Your imperfections are not reason for divorce or separation; they are rather channels on which God can work in you. Yes, we recognize and understand that married life is difficult and the struggle is real, but I pray that you also see that so is the grace of God.
Remember, God did not give us a perfect partner but rather a suitable one.