Have you been talked into lending someone money even if you couldn’t afford to?
Have you been pushed to do an errand meant for someone else just because you felt guilty for not being the “good” guy?
Have you become so drained by constantly giving way too much too often?
Then maybe it’s time to set and fortify healthy boundaries.
Whether in personal relationships or at work, the ability to cultivate healthy boundaries is not only a matter of protecting your mental health but it can also help you become financially stable, more productive, and avoid toxic relationships.
Setting boundaries is not a matter of selfishness or walling yourself up in loneliness and despair. On the contrary, deciding on healthy boundaries open up doors for people and things that really matter to you. It can give opportunities to energies that would have your best interests at heart.
What it will shut out are moments that suck the life out of you, the ones that easily manipulate or take advantage of you, and those that in their blindness, can even turn you against your very soul.
When we set healthy and respectful boundaries, we regain our power as human beings of decency. We learn to demand respect, honesty, and responsibility, not only from others but from ourselves as well.
How then can we set these boundaries?
First, we have to know our Core Values.
We cannot set boundaries if we do not know our core values.
We need to sit ourselves down for an intense heart to heart talk. We have to face the reality that sometimes we allow things to go according to what others direct us to do not because they manipulated us but because we have no clear goals or limits of our own. We must first decide what we really believe in to know the lines we need to draw, what other people have to tread lightly on, and what to never cross.
We need to ask ourselves the questions: “What is my life statement? If there’s one thing I can say about myself, what would that be? What are my core principles? What are my negotiables and non-negotiables?”
Second, we need to communicate our boundaries.
Boundaries are best tested with our everyday dealings with people. Setting boundaries need not be a harsh, crude process. It is, after all, rooted in basic human respect. You can assert your boundaries in calm and even tones, open gestures, and the use of “I” language. An example would be, “I’m sorry but I really feel uncomfortable when I hear words like (curse/foul words). I hope you understand that I will need to leave when these are used. I am, however, open to discussions we can talk professionally about.”
Be prepared for some people to not be ready or understand your boundaries. This is especially true if they have been so used to how they behave with you in the past. Start small and gradually work your way up to bigger ones.
Just like any skill, this takes time and practice for everyone concerned. Accept that not everyone will stay and that’s okay because that is also the boundary they chose to keep.
Third, as time goes by, we need to evaluate our boundaries and decide whether to adjust, fortify, or change them altogether.
We evolve and so do the people around us. We may need to reassess how we implement our border control especially when they no longer serve us. Sometimes, in our youthful perfectionist viewpoint, we cling to an ideal world where we can never be offended. We need to ground our boundaries to recognizing humanity’s complexity while still taking a firm stand on respect and self-care.
If need be, seek support from qualified and trusted individuals to help you obtain more clarity and objectivity.
Setting boundaries is not easy. It will take the painful process of self-examination and making decisions we don’t feel like making. But without boundaries, we suffer more when we don’t know where we stand or what issues are important to us.
With healthy and respectful boundaries, we take a step towards lesser stress and more fulfilling life.*